How to Have Fun in Abuja

Have money, Kaftan, and visit these places…

Abuja is like a strawberry; it looks good, it feels good, it smells good but has a sweet-sour aftertaste. Eating strawberry is like buying a penis enlargement cream; everyone does it, but no one admits it does not come out as expected. That is how people who live in Abuja are. Everyone thinks you pick money on sidewalks when in truth, you are always in fear of being robbed in the ‘along’ taxis that you share with ten other people because you can’t afford Uber rides.

To top it, Malo Kaftan boys in Abuja give an impression of wealth and abundance, when honestly speaking, they just hunt for rich women, live under their roofs, eat their food, while waiting for a contract that may never come. However, to understand how to have fun (except you’re a Kaftan boy) in this bitter-sweet place, I will be sharing an exhaustive list gathered through years of extensive research^.

The first time I came to Abuja was in 2013, and I have been here at least twice every year since then. This information is important towards ensuring that my material is taken as expert evidence. That said, let’s dive in.

1. Hard rock cafe

Abuja was carved out as Nigeria’s capital to prove that you can be small and mighty. What better way to prove that than to carve out border towns in Kogi, Niger, Nasarawwa and Kaduna, to create an archipelago of mountains? Statistics* show that 98% of people born in Abuja were born on a rock. The remaining two per cent were born…